Poohbear's Lair

2006-07-05T19:50:00.000+08:00

high school musical

High school musical

First Day in Manila

2005-12-15T20:56:00.000+08:00

Sa wakas.. am back sa manila.. right now, nag aadjust parin ako sa body clock ko.. kahit 2 1/2 hours ung difference, iba parin.. he he he

at SA WAKAS, NAKAKAIN NA RIN AKO NG BEEF!!! AT PORK!!!

And BIRTHDAY KO BUKAS.. YAHOOO!!! (December 16)

story behind the pics (MySore Trip)

2005-11-29T18:30:00.000+08:00

After 3 months of endless work and restless night, they finally had scheduled and booked us for a visit to MySore. I planned to wake up by five in the morning, but I got a call from my lead and from my counterpart in the US almost two in the morning. He told me to drop by to the office to fix up something. What else can I do? Duty calls. So I went back home around 4:30am, instead of sleeping again, I decided to just cook our breakfast, and take a bath afterwards. The taxi arrived on time and we started to travel by 7am.

It was a long 3 ½ hours journey, and on my mind, I really don’t know what to expect. As we reached to the place, the tiring journey paid off. We tried to make our time very worthwhile by taking a lot of pictures and touring around the place.

We went to the following places:
1. Shreeranga Pattanam
2. Tippu's Summer palace
3. Tippu's Mosque
4. Chamundi Temple
5. Mysore Palace
6. Krishna Raja Sagar Dam

For me, here’s my advice if you’re planning to tour around India:
1. Be prepared to walk in barefoot. (Yes, we walked inside the temple and the palace barefooted. It was tough because I’m not used to walk without any slippers back in Manila.)
2. Be prepared for the spicy food yet delicious meals. (My favorite meal is the Masala Dosa.)
3. Try to have an interpreter. It’s hard to travel around the place without anyone who knows how to speak in Hindi.
4. Have some small change (like coins in your pocket. You may need that for the payment of your slippers/shoes storage)
5. Don’t hold the things that they are offering like pictures, foods. (Sometimes, they will consider it that it’s sold. And you will be force to pay it. Unless if you’re good with giving arguments.)
6. Their holy water is for drinking. So be prepared for it. [for me, it tasted like ginger]

What happened to me afterwards? Hmm… Too tired to do some write up, so I just posted the link of the photos. [Now you know why…]

This will be one of my most memorable place that I had been to and I will treasure it for the rest of my life.

Snaps of MySore Trip

2005-11-28T15:49:00.000+08:00

Here's the link for the trip to MySore.

Click Here To View

18 days to go...

2005-11-25T20:53:00.000+08:00

Malapit na ang araw ng paguwi sa aking lupang tinubuan. Bukas, magtotour kami sa MySore, nagbooked ng cab ung isang kasamahan ko dito. Sana maging masaya ang aming paglalakbay at magiging makabuluhan ang mga pupuntahan namin.

25 things for Xmas Holidays

2005-11-23T15:13:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine suggested me to list 25 things to do on this Christmas season. Here's my list:
1. First, I'll celebrate my birthday sa Manila!! (Dec 16). Dito usually ung simula ng countdown ng Xmas. 10 days b4 Xmas.
2. I'll treat my family out for Dinner.
3. Buy some gifts to those people that are really close to my heart..
4. Accepting Gifts, Cash or Cheques will also do. He He He
5. Attending Xmas Parties from different gatherings.
6. Sending SMS greetings to my friends and colleagues.
7. Carolling with my choir mates.
8. One day luxury for myself: spa, shopping, and grooving.
9. Buy Christmas decors. Para may xmas spirit sa bahay.
10. Buy fruits, foods, para sa alay tuwing xmas and new year.
11. Gigimik sa malate, makati or sa libis, kung san may happenings!
12. kakain ng kakain ng mga pagkain na pampasko.. (puto bumbong.. etc)
13. Dadaan ako sa simbahan para magpasalamat sa lahat ng blessing na natanggap ko at tatanggapin ko.
14. Bibili ng bagong celphone pangregalo sa sarili ko.
15. Bibili ng internet card para makapag surf at blog sa bahay.
16. Telebabad to the max! Nadeprived ako ng 3 1/2 months sa india.. nyahahaha
17. Text to the max sa mga friends, relatives and officemates.
18. Magbabayad ng fee sa center for pop music for level 2.
19. Magbabayad ng mga utang.. pangit ang may utang na icacarry over sa next year.
20. Hahanap ng magpapainit sa akin sa holiday. (JOKE!!! but it's half meant)
21. Watching movies.. (anything except sa mga filmfest.. unless kung may maganda.. he he he)
22. Cook some food for the noche buena and media noche.
23. Watching Fireworks, at ung taong nagpapaputok ng mga fireworks. he he he
24. Writing new year resolutions for next year.
25. To get a break from work. Going to Hongkong Disneyland or Going to Baguio.

Kayo, ano ung list nyo?!?!?

I'll be home for Christmas

2005-11-20T16:16:00.000+08:00

That's the exact song that fits in what I'm feeling right now, and which also fits on my situation. I'll be going back to Manila the day before my birthday, and my birthday will be the start of the countdown of 10 days before Christmas.

All my birthdays had been just pretty normal, but for this year, I know it will be different... I don't know how, but i can feel it.

Hugs and kisses to everyone --

Ano kaya...

2005-11-17T12:04:00.000+08:00

Ano kaya ang susunod na mangyayari sa pagbabalik ko sa aking lupang tinubuan? Ano kaya ang aking unang gagawin kapag nakarating na ako sa bahay namin? Ano kaya ang unang pagkain na ihahain nila para sa akin? Ano kaya ang naghihintay sa aking pagbabalik? Kay daming tanong sa aking isipan, ngunit malalaman ko lang ang sagot sa pagsapit ng ika-15 ng Desyembre!

A Poem To My Friends

2005-11-11T14:56:00.000+08:00

Tibok ng puso ko’y dinggin mo sinta,
Sana’y marinig ang katagang mahal kita,
Dalawang mundo nagsanib bilang isa,
Kung panaginip ito’y sana hindi na magising pa.

Bughaw na langit ang nakaguhit sa may bintana,
Sa apat na sulok ng silid tanging ikaw ang alaala,
Ibigin mo ako ang tanging hiling kay bathala,
Matupad man o hindi, handa akong magparaya.

Kay tagal inasam ang iyong yakap at halik,
Ang pag-ibig na naglaho ay muling nanumbalik,
Kung ako ang musika, ikaw naman ang mga titik,
Sabay tayong lumikha ng magagandang himig.

Umaasang makamit ang matamis mong oo,
Dahil damdamin ko sa yo ay wagas at totoo,
Sa mga panahon na lumipas ito ang napagtanto,
Hahamakin ang lahat para masungkit ang pag-ibig mo.

Fulfillment and doubts...

2005-11-04T12:45:00.000+08:00

I had laid some goal for my life and now I’m slowly fulfilling it. I never thought that my plans will come true. I guess if you really have determination to reach for you dreams, nothing will be impossible as long as you believe with yourself. Never knowing what my life awaits me but I know that I’ll be ready for it. Life here in Bangalore had taught me a lot of lessons and had given me a lot of realizations about myself. I’m hoping that all the experiences here will not go to nothing, and will still be applicable when got back to Manila.

One and a half month to go before going back to my homeland. I’m starting to think what will be the feeling when that day comes? Will I be crying because am leaving to a place where I began to start loving it? Or will I be smiling because am going back to a place where I really used to belong? But what the heck, there’s still a long way to go, I’ll just enjoy each day here, as what they say, make each day the best you can and treat it as if it is your last day.

Is there anyone be waiting for me when I get back to Manila?

Half way there!!!

2005-10-21T17:49:00.000+08:00

It had been 2 weeks now that I haven’t able to create a journal. We were rushing all the stuff for the next week software release. It’s kinda excrutiating but also excited, because it is my first to actually be a part of a certain release.

People do come and go, but one thing is for sure, we will meet them again, don't know when, but I hope that it's soon.

Almost half way there before going back to Manila. Can't wait!!

I'm proud to be pinoy!!

2005-10-12T16:42:00.000+08:00

Alam niyo na nanalo ang pinas sa Ms. International!

"MABUHAY! representing the democratic and freedom loving people of thepearl of the orient, i am precious lara quigaman, from the beautifulcountry of THE PHILIPPINES"

Grabe nga ang tanong sa kanya.

Q: "what do you say to the people of the world whohave typecasted filipinos as nannies?"

A: "i take no offence on being typecasted as ananny. But i do take offence that the educated people of the world havesomehow denegrated the true sense and meaning of what a nanny is. let me tell you what she is. she is someone who gives more than she takes. She issomeone you trust to look after the very people most precious to you - yourchild, the elderly, yourself. she is the one who has made a living out of caring and loving other people. so to those who have typecasted us asnannies, thank you. it is a testament to the loving and caring culture ofthe Filipino people. and for that, i am forever proud and grateful of my roots and culture."

On the sixth week...

2005-10-10T19:34:00.000+08:00

Do you ever felt the excitement at the same time the fear of not knowing what will happen in the future? This is what I’m feeling right now. Slowly, I’m getting used to the place, to the people, to the food, and I’m worrying that when I get back to Manila, it seems like that I need to go back from zero and start all over again. But I guess that the recovery time will just be short, of course, that’s my home, as they always say, there’s no other place that’s good to live than home. Gosh, it leads me again to the point of missing them.

Also, it means that I will be deployed to a new project. I’m not putting any high hopes about it, but I’m hoping that I will still be using the same platform, and that my responsibilities will be more challenging (but not too much. He he he…)

By the way, so far, this week was a busy week for me. I need to finish up my coding and unit testing. And gladly, I met the deadline. I guess that I’ll just wait for next week for updates from my team lead.

Saturday, we went again to the mall to buy some grocery. Going to Forum, we used to negotiate to the taxi to wait us for 2 to 3 hours. But when we got to the place, the driver changed his mind and said that he will just dropped us there and will fetch us as soon as we call back their office. During that time, I’m already sure that it will be problem for us to go back since, first of all, the communication problem. We don’t know how to speak Hindi and they don’t speak English. But I guess during that time, we didn’t care much about it. Since we are already at the place we want to go.

So we bought groceries that are good for 3 weeks, if my calculation is right. I never did that in Manila to budget and to plan what to buy. It’s hard but in a way, sort of a nice experience for me. Slowly, I’m beginning to realize that I’m not that young anymore, that life is not always for fun. I’ll be turning 24 this December. It will still be a long journey for me, but I’m starting to learn all the facts of life.

Realization

2005-09-30T20:35:00.000+08:00

It is really tough what I’m going through with this experience of working abroad. Going to another place is an adventurous and exciting one, but there’s one fact that remains, it’s hard to separate with the things you already are used to doing it and living it with almost all of your life. We are so attached with our families, friends and colleagues, and it’s hard to adjust and adopt new environment and start all over again. I admit, no matter how I show them that I’m strong, sometimes I tend to breakdown somewhere down this road and want to shout out all the yearnings of going back to the things it used to be.

But this is life. we need to move on to expand our horizon. Life is not a fairy tales that always ends in happy ending. It is us who are writing our own fairy tales. As people always used to say, life is like a wheel that spins around in circles.

Sacrifice, this is one of the things that I realized and learned from this experience. I guess that I’m qualified to say that I know the true meaning of sacrifice. But learning is a continuous process and everyday, I tend to have deeper realization in my life. There were some things that were taken for granted, and I needed to learn the lesson the hard way. Sacrifice means maturity. I’m beginning to feel the responsibility of taking care of someone and taking care of myself.

Patience, applying it, is harder than saying it. We always tell to others to be cool but when the same situation comes, you will also act the way they acted. I’m trying to extend my patience, but if I feel that the need to defend myself, I will stand for what I believe is right. But of course, I also need to be logical and professional while relaying the messages. I’m one of the people who are representing our company back in Manila, and I don’t want to let them down with the outcome of the things I had done.

Being independent is the thing that I always wanted. I want to be free like a bird, flying around to places that I had never been and to explore things that I never knew it existed. Everything has its pros and cons. It’s up to you how to weigh it and choose which side you want it to be.

Communication is one of the most important things that we all need to understand. We often misinterpret people from the way they are saying. It’s normal to react on what they had said, but we need to realize and put yourself in their shoes. Try to learn their language and culture, and you’ll find out why things are being done that way, or why words are being said to you.

I don’t know if I’m making sense with what I’m writing, but this is my thought that lingers around my head. Just want to share it with you.

You know, my heart says I’m missing my family and friends but my mind tells me that I’m following the roadmap that I had planned for my life. I want to reach my dreams, and this is one of the ways, being away from work to look for better opportunity.

Mind over heart? Or heart over mind?

Almost a month

2005-09-26T11:53:00.000+08:00

4th week in Bangalore and things are getting started to be at its place. I, somehow, slowly adopting with their environment and their food. I know that what’s going on is here so far so good, but there’s a long way to go before going back to Manila. I can sense that there are still a lot of struggle and a lot of hardship that I will be facing.

Now I know the feeling of those OFW that went to other countries to work for their family. It’s hard to deal with sadness, but the price of having that sacrifice is worth it. All the things you are doing is for your future and for you family’s future. There’s a realization that things shouldn’t be taken for granted especially those times when you were with your love ones.

Having away from home for a long period of time will make me a better person. Proving to myself and my family that I can reach whatever I wanted, as long as I believe to myself. I’m thanking God for all the blessing that he had given to me and for the safety he brings to me and to my family.

I truly missed my Family, my Friends, and my Hometown Manila!

3rd week in Bangalore

2005-09-26T11:52:00.000+08:00

As to date, this week was the toughest week here in India. It’s true that it’s hard to work with different culture. It’s hard to adapt new environment especially when you are used to something that is already a part of your life. First, there’s the language barrier that may be misinterpreted to something that may arise some issue. Second, their ways of doing things are very different from the way I used to do at work. Third, the attitude towards other people is also another factor why sometimes it is hard to deal with people.

I may react in a bad way, but for me, it was an act of self defense. As long as I have proof, and as long as I know that I’m correct, I should stand up and prove them wrong. Patience is a virtue but it has its limitation. After that incident, slowly people are starting to communicate with me in a nicer way and they are now cautious of their actions. I know my limits, and they should know theirs. I’m helping them as they also helping us. It may result to a competition, but still we both are working on the same company.

I had learned a lot of stuff and slowly, it is starting to become a part of my life. Good or bad experience here in India, I still will treasure it for the rest of my life.

2nd week

2005-09-26T11:49:00.000+08:00

2nd week in Bangalore, and so far, I’m still not used to the surrounding and with the people. But am starting to open up and learn to trust with people. It’s not that easy to live in a foreign country especially when you are not familiar with their language. No matter how hard I try to pretend that I’m okay here, but the truth is, I’m not.

The truth is I really missed my family back in Manila. I never been parted with them with this long, and this will be 3 months and a half! But I guess I need to get used to it if I really want to be independent. I wanted them to be proud of me, at the same time, I wanted to earn their trust that somehow, I can start to be independent. I know that it is still a long journey for me here in India, but I’m pretty sure that it all will be worthwhile.

GRATEFUL INDEED

2005-09-14T21:34:00.000+08:00

A poem from someone to me..

By JDB 091105

Out in my dark, crumbled world you came,
You lend your ears and said you're a friend.
At first i was hesitant and didn't know want to do,
For its only this time that i knew you.

And so in my life i let you in
Expecting a wonderful friendship will now begin,
Sadness that once had ruled my life
Unnoticeable it had subside

Your laughter and simple thoughts of care
had taken away my doubt and fear
And the words you spoke that are so sincere
Have made you closer to me my dear.

I am indeed grateful to you
Coz you gave me chance to share my life with you
So in return i promise you
That my heart will be faithful to you

I have lived my life in great despairs
But in a weeks of time they disappear
It's your friendship that brought big change
And give me courage to full in love again

The First Week in India

2005-09-14T21:33:00.000+08:00

[August 28]

The day we flew from Manila to India. It’s hard to see someone crying because you leaving from quite some time. It’s hard to let go of things which you really loved and really used to living it. It closely shed me in tears but I pretend to be strong. I need to be strong. This is my first time traveling to other country without them with me, and this is my first time to go onshore work which I was sent by the company. Frightened yet happy since this is one of my dreams that I wanted and needed to fulfill.

During the flight, it was a bit bumpy since the bad weather is coming along our way. But am thanking God that we reached safely to our 2 destinations: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and Bangalore, India.

We got some issues upon reaching to India but it will be soon work out. Some experience that I will just keep it to myself but that time will I never forget for the rest of my life. Different people, different cultures, different languages, different understanding, but it all boils down to one thing. All of us are just human. And we should learn how to deal with people, to earn their trust, to trust them as well.

We met up with our colleagues here in the apartment, because they had our keys. The place is good and the surrounding is nice. But comparing Manila with the place, probably I’m bias, but if I were to choose where I want to live, probably I still pick my hometown, Manila.

[August 29 – September 2]

First week at the office was pretty tough for me. It’s like I’m living in a different dimensions that I need to start and learn from scratch, and learn the basics. Residing in another land could be an exciting thing, but it’s not. We still don’t have any groceries that we can cook. We just eat whatever we bought back in Manila, and making up with some dish for the sake that we eat something at breakfast, lunch and dinner.

But somehow, I managed to talk to some of the people here and somehow they were accommodating and fun to be with. I had learned some of their cultures and their interpretations with their English words. Like “Do you have any doubts on me?” for them, it means “Do you have any questions on me?”

15 weeks to go and I hope that I can survive this challenge in my life. Take care.

The time has come

2005-08-27T20:17:00.000+08:00

Time runs very fast... and it's now the time for me to leave Manila. For the meantime, I had created another blogsite (which I know Dops will get mad at me.. hehe).. I'll just post the link one of these days. :)

Leaving soon..

2005-08-22T09:42:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. as that day approaches, am beginning to miss everyone that are very dear and close to my heart. I was close to crying when my friends hug me Goodbye last saturday. This is my first international flight without my family and it's work related flight. Well, I'll just be gone for 3 1/2 month, some said that it was short, but for me, it seems like forever...

Excited but kinda bit scared.

Nice quote: "A relationship is like a rose , How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you chose..."

Keeping track...

2005-08-17T12:32:00.000+08:00

It had been a while that I didn't posted much about on what is really happening on my life. I just listed something about my "Resume" effect thingy, and about the "India" and "Promotion" stuff. Ei, how about the Skyflakes and Rebisco Chapter? I never ended nor continued that part of this so-called my life. I guess that people are still thinking what's going with me after the breakup? (Assuming, but i guess it won't hurt me to become assuming.. ha ha ha)

Before meeting up with Rebisco*, I known this guy, his name is Josef. He's really a cool and cute guy, I courted this guy, and I stop when Rebisco comes along the way. But I never told to Josef that I had a relationship with someone until now. He asked me why I stopped texting, but I only answered to Josef, was that I'm too busy with my work (which partly is true, that was during my 3 week training in Siebel). As much as I wanted to jump in to another relationship, situations keep on pushing me and Josef into separate ways, I don't know where it will end up. But I'm hoping for the best.

There's another guy, Oreo*, one of Rebisco's blogger friend added me to his downelink, and we start exchanging messages. He is fun to talk to and I'm thinking that he's fun to be with too. But too bad, he's now in a relationship [obviously, he will deny it. he he he]

And Lastly, a blogger friend of mine introduced me to his friend, Wowowee, and got the chance to chat with both of them this week. He's also like Oreo, that is fun to talk to, and also got the chance to look at his blog site.. :) Simple yet the content is good. :D

Am not rushing anything, like Rebisco*, less talk less mistake, at my stand point, it's less action less mistake. mwehehehe.. I guess I will be reflecting India on what will I do when i come back in December 16 [My BDay].

:'(

2005-08-15T17:13:00.000+08:00

The certification of Siebel was very hard... Imagine that there were people who had been using the platform for several years and they failed. How about us that were just newly trained on the said platform?

But anyway, I failed! but am not losing my confidence about it. I did my best and I really did reviewed everything, but... i guess that my best wasn't enough. First, I only had a very small exposure on Siebel. Second, probably that it's not really my line of work that i wanted to pursue. I'm more on the coding side.

Anyway... I'm looking at the brighter side.. I can't get the best of both worlds.

Blessings

2005-08-12T08:48:00.000+08:00

Hmm... too many blessings within a month... ;)

First, I was told by my manager that I was included on the list of promotion this coming September 2005.

Second, I will be going to India from August 29 to December 2 for a project.

yahoooo!!!

Another Post

2005-08-05T17:54:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. Here are my plans this coming weekend.

Saturday [August 6, 2005]
10am - 12noon
Have a training on pop singing @ MSE. It is one of the community activities created by Accenture for their employee. As people always say, "All work no play makes boy dull." I was targeting this training for a long while, but it always had a conflict with my schedule before. But at last, patience paid off. I'm excited to attend the class tomorrow.

1:30pm
Need to rush back to Binondo. Need to attend a meeting with my coaches at Center for pop music. They are planning to put up a concert [I still don't know when and where] and are looking for participants. So I guess, I can be one of the participants [if ever.. he he he]

[In between this hours, I'm planning to go Robinson Place to have a haircut in Bench Fix. and Buy some clothes. This if this time permits]

7:00pm
I have to meet up my friends from a E-Group (LYC) for a movie night activity, We will watch Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory. But first, we will dine out at Shell Canvas in Glorietta 4 level 3.

Sunday [August 7, 2005]
Will start to review Siebel Training Manuals and Modules. :D

Whew.. another tough weekend... Got to go. :D *Poof*

Doesn't Matter

2005-08-05T11:56:00.000+08:00

Here's a song that was written for me by someone who had been special in my life... It will be forever playing in my heart...

Doesn't Matter
Alvin N.

Here I go again
Taking chances in the game of love
Eventhough I know
That in the end,
I might lose myself again

Refrain:
The love that had once found me
Could be the same love the would bring me down

Chorus:
But it doesn't matter to me now
It doesn't matter if my world would fall apart
It doesn't matter if I'd start over again
Now, maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm a fool
But I am sure that everyone would need someone to love

Every now and then
Always yearning for the love we'd share
Eventhough I've done the best I can
I might hurt myself again

Repeat Refrain
Repeat Chorus

Updates! Updates! Updates!

2005-08-03T10:04:00.000+08:00

Whoaa!! I never noticed that time flows in such fast phase. As I am writing today's journal, I still can't believe that I had been working for more than 3 years. And I never keep track of what had happened on that 3 years.

Working Experience:

Equitable Computer, Inc.
It was my first job as a real professional, working as a developer. I was assigned to maintain their PC systems which they are written in PC COBOL. I had no knowledge on the said platform. But I guess that I'm really in to coding, so I was able to adopt the language sooner than I thought. I handled the Deferred System, and partly support in maintaining the SalesSlip System.

I was also assigned to monitor the SalesSlip Retrieval System which was written in VB 6 Platform with SQL Server 7. I remember that I also did some modification on the system's report generation.

Programming Language: PC Cobol, Visual Basic 6.

Accenture, Inc.
I had been with the company for more than a year now. and i had been on some trainings which I guess that will benefit me in the near future.

Trainings:
COBOL (Mainframe). Almost the same as PC Cobol, but the main difference will be is their working environment. PC Cobol just uses DOS to compile the application and then run the system, while the other uses Mainframe to compile and you need to assign jobs to be able to run the system that you are currently maintaining.

ASP. It was on the job experience that I learn ASP. I needed to know the syntax because I was assigned to convert the word document files to ASP format. I also need to come up with a certain process and template to help on creating a tool that will generate an asp web page.

Portal Infranet 7.0. It is a billing system package which most of the telecommunication company uses. It can integrate with other system like Siebel, Webmethods, SAP, etc. The platform contains modules written in C syntax with Infranet API. It uses UNIX environment to run the said package. I am proud to be one of the first core group that learn Portal Infranet extensively.

Siebel 7.7.This tool is commonly used by Call Centers. I was trained to configure the application to match the business needs of the company who bought Siebel software. It was interesting for me to learn, but I was quite overwhelmed because from a developer perspective, I'm more dealing with codes rather than configuring stuff. Still, I'm happy that I was given a chance to study the platform.

I'm studying the said software in preparation for certification this coming August 15. Wish me luck I guess. Hope I will pass the examination.

Co-Curricular Activities
They also offered different community activities and trainings. I joined the Personality development which the instructors were Gina Alajar and Anne Villegas. It was really fun, hope to meet them again sometime. I also joined their Mandarin Class and Theater Singing.

Realization
With my capabilities on development, maintenance and support, I 'm confident enough to say that I can compete with other working I.T. professionals globally. Accenture did and still helping me a lot on broadening my horizons as a professional and as a person.

Contact Me
Just in case that you can refer or endorse me to a certain company abroad or locally, you may contact me thru my email address: awintsong@yahoo.com or my cel: 09173258158

funny story..

2005-08-02T10:21:00.000+08:00

A Message for Husbands---Anonymous

A husband is at home watching a basketball game when his wife interrupts. "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
He replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar."
So he goes to Padi's Point and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
She says, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He says "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replies, "Hellooooooo!......do you see Goldilock's written on my forehead?"

My thoughts..

2005-08-02T09:32:00.000+08:00

I guess that I really haven't learn any lesson from the past. Why? Because I always believe in people that no matter how bad they are, or how complicated they may be, I always believe on that person. I guess being hurt is already normal stuff for me. Is it that bad to have faith on that person and be hurt? That's how life is. It's always a matter of risk.

Honesty..

2005-08-01T08:21:00.000+08:00

Truth really does hurts, specially when it came from the one whom you love dearly. Upon reading his blog, my tears started to flow down and can't focus anything at that time. I just never expected that he will not tell me directly but instead post it on his blog. I guess that we made the right decision, to let it go before we hurt each other. We both are victims of the consequences so there's no one needed to blame.

Tell Me..

2005-07-29T23:27:00.000+08:00

How to make these agonies away? Good things really never last. When everything seems pretty fine, that's the time where things will get from bad to worse to worst. Why do the pay back of happiness is a thousand times of pain and suffering? Here I am, crying alone in my room with my heart broken in pieces again. I never wanted to let him go, but it will cause more pain to both parties. He's not ready to be in a relationship, while I'm doing everything to make the relationship work. It's tempting to accept the idea of having an open relationship, but that's not my nature.

I reflected and asked myself what is the essence of me being here on earth. When people are at their lowest point in their lives, they always calling me up to seek for comfort and advice, I am their knight in shining armor that will help lift their burdens in their shoulders. And they disappear as soon as things are flowing smoothly and back to normal. Now, when I'm the one who needs help, they are telling that I should understand them that they are focusing on their happiness, that I shouldn't be hurt if they are ignoring me. Friends do come and go as what they are telling me. Knowing that, that's how I came up with the answer "To make other people happy, while I'm here living in misery".

I'm not blaming anyone. This is my life. I need to accept it.

Heart or Mind?

2005-07-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

It is always hard to think and to act when your mind and your heart are conflicting with each other. As much as you want to tell your partner that you had been neglected and felt that you were taken for granted, I can't; because my heart is telling me to wait for him to prove himself, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I, on my part, am also the same. I still need to prove to him that I'm worth for his attention, for his trust, for his love. I'm only human, I'm not perfect, as what I always say, No matter how I tried to be strong, and there are still times that I can't hold on and break down then cry. But I never let go with the love that I have for him. I have faith that he'll be my knight in shining armor, extending his hand to wipe all my tears away.

I love you, these are the words that I want to tell you again and again.

Achin foot...

2005-07-21T18:37:00.000+08:00

I was absent today because of this freakin foot of mine. There was a little accident last sunday that cause my foot to slipped down at a hole in Ortigas. I got dark spots on my foot and until now, it is still swelling. It's hard to walk!!!

But it's nice to have a rest at least one day.

Can this be love??

2005-07-15T11:39:00.000+08:00

I had been talking to Rebisco for almost a week now, and I'm beginning to fall for him. It may not be a relationship as of the moment, but i'm hoping that it will be soon. Can this be love? Is this really how it feels when you're falling for someone new with something true? I may not be the perfect guy for you, I may not be the best guy in the planet, But I can be myself to prove that I'm worth the risk.

Rebisco

2005-07-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

Love really does come when you least expected. Or maybe I'm just insensitive in my surrounding and never knowing that someone had already fall for me. I never come to a point in believing that until last weekend. It was just an ordinary Sunday, at my room, logged in the internet, browsing sites, checking emails. As my messenger keeps on popping up names, I noticed that one of my chat mates that I had already known for a while is online. So I decided to send him a message, a simple hi and hello.

That's where it all started. Then we chatted about stuffs that were and are going on with our lives, we shared and exchanged some thoughts and advices, until a sudden confession made me stop and think for a while. Rebisco* first thought that I will get mad at him and will stop the conversation, so he was a bit hesitant of telling me about it, but I insisted. Overwhelmed and flattered with the confession, I had still managed to keep on going with the conversation. Having the courage of telling me that he had the longest crush on me, I admired him for that. Actually, I also confessed that I had a crush on him too. It was mutual after all.

On that same day, we exchanged text messages, and one of the messages that I sent to him was my landline number. We had our numbers for a long time, but it was on that day that we started to communicate. Quite funny though, but it was and still feels good whenever I received messages from him. We talked for hours and seem that a day is still too short for us. Well, this is just the beginning; I hope that this chapter will be the one of the best chapter in my life.

Recording...

2005-07-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

This is where I went today for my recording of the song "This is the moment".

MasterTrax
Digital Recording Studio
4334-E Albina St., Stop & Shop, Sta. Mesa, Manila
Telephone No. 714-2313
Mobile No. 0921-5881812
Contact Person: Mr. Eric Narvaez

It was really such a nice experience, and was happy with the result. It made me smile while I'm listening with the playback of the song with my voice. I hope that this won't be the last.

Hmm, It makes me think if I really want cooking, because I think owning a recording studio is also cool. Anyway, it is just a thought.

Sweet Agonies

2005-07-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

Such an Irony.

Another week had passed again, and the feeling of loneliness gets deeper and deeper. I guess it is me who made that choice. I tend to move away with the people that were close to me before and trying to get away as far as I can from them. I guess that I already fed up in dealing with them, no matter how hard I tried to please them and tried to be a true friend for them, towards the end, I feel that it's all not worth it. A friend once told me that "Friends do come and go, so you should be happy for them when they found happiness in their life", he told me that when I was looking for a friend who can comfort me during my lowest time. I guess that I should be happy for them even though I'm here miserable.

Another friend of mine had also found his partner. We had an agreement that we will go to the pool party but what happened was he met the guy that same night and never sent me a single message that he couldn't make it. The one that I hated the most is that I'm looking stupid waiting for someone and will find out that am waiting for nothing. He should have known that, or else, what's the essence of becoming best of friends for many years. Until now, I didn't text him or called him about what happened to him and the guy. I guess that he found someone special now in his life. Wishing them good luck and happiness.

I know that sometimes I am contradicting myself about what I really want in my life. I'm just human. No matter how hard I try to be strong, I don't want to pretend that I'm really strong, because I'm not.

Rainy Day's thoughts

2005-07-07T23:48:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I hate or I love these rainy days. I hate the rain because it's hard to travel and the worst, it cause too heavy traffic and flood around the city. I hate the rain because it makes me feel alone, I can see couples walking with one umbrella and they hug really close to each other. I don't know, it somehow affects me and makes me jealous, wishing that I also do have the same scenario. The rain makes my emotions to its peak and anytime soon it will explode like a bomb.

I love the rain for it brings back all the memories from my childhood and somehow, it helps me reflect and reminisce about my past. All the good and bad things that had happened to me, and will be happening to me, I know and I guess that I will survive and had survived all the struggles and hindrances of life.

I just found out that it is only me who helped to get through everything. It didn't make any difference either there are friends or no friends at my side. Life is simple, it is just us who makes it complicated!

My Thoughts

2005-07-05T23:18:00.000+08:00

This weekend and this past few days makes me think about what is really going on with my life. I guess that my depression period is over again. [Thank God!] I had been reflecting with things that are really important for me. I sorted out my expectation and made a priority list of what I really wanted to do. The list is still at my mind, still in the progress of constructing into solid and concrete goals.

But one thing is for sure. I'll be focusing on myself first. Setting a plan wherein I need to fulfill it within a certain time frame. One of which will be my physical appearance. I'm targeting this year to somehow lose more weight and to gain some lean muscle. Second, I will be looking for an opportunity to work abroad. Third, I need to start saving money for my second course, Culinary Arts. Somehow by this year, I should have accomplished something. It's a late New Year resolution, but I guess it still counts. Hehehe!!

So, Goodbye depression!! [for the mean time]

Again

2005-07-03T21:14:00.000+08:00

I'm really a sentimental jerk. I never love myself, I always make myself be hurt and make myself cry. I always let people manipulate for what they wanted me to be. I always listen to the criticisms that really make my world crumbling down and putting my ego deep down the grave. I always let myself cry at night or I get the chance to be alone. I never had been proud of whatever accomplishment that I made (If I really do have one). It's my one of those days that my depressions set in again.

It's kind of sad of dealing the depression alone without anyone that you can turn on to. A friend told me that I should be happy with my friends having their love of their lives and that I should accept the fact that friends do come and go. So what it means that I'll be their friend whenever their down and will be left hanging if they are happy. How about me? Who will console me that everything will turn out find, that someone will catch me whenever I fall?

It's too easy to say no to mind other people, but no man is an island and we can't please everybody. I'm only human. I need someone who can give me strength, security.

Anyway, this had been what I really am yearning. And still nothing is happening. Oh boy, here I go again.

Happy and contented

2005-07-01T17:45:00.000+08:00

Am very happy with what had happened today. I finally formally wrapped up all my tasks and all the documentation, and have had the application deployed. And so far, it's working perfectly fine.

I met a lot of new and good friends on the project and I'm very thankful that i met these people. I'll gonna miss everyone. :(( but.. life goes on. I need to move on with my career path.

Is it worth to wait?

2005-06-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

There is one guy who loves my friend too much, they only met once, but his love towards my friend is very overwhelming. The problem is, Ed has someone special in his life. My friend already told this guy to look for someone else, but the guy still keeps on insisting that he will wait for Ed.

The question now will be, is it worth it for him to wait? Or get over with it now?

Missing you

2005-06-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

I still misses you...

White Party!!!!

2005-06-28T09:52:00.000+08:00

My friend and I had plans last Saturday and all of the plans were ruined because of the freaking rain. It caused the city to be muddy and caused the sudden flood around the vicinity. We were supposed to meet up in Cubao before 10pm and will go to Malate for the White party (Gay pride party) afterwards. What happened was, he went to my place and pick me up and went to Malate, we arrived there almost past midnight. The first plan was celebrating his birthday, and it already passed. But what the heck he told me, it’s never too late to celebrate.

So we went to Sonata for dinner or mid-night snack or whatever you call it (hehehe…) we also met up Alex, Dean and Edwin and together we watched a portion of the show down the street. It was great since it was my first time attending to the party. You can see all sorts of people (gay people) to be exact. There were elite, not-so-elite and wanna-be-elite gays, there were also straight-acting to female-acting gays, and there were well built to well look alike body. (Hehehe…)

It was really a nice experience for me and it is a sort of coming out on my part too. I never participated any of the party or activities until last Saturday. It was also an eye opener to me that I’m not alone, that there are a lot of “us” people who are guys also love guys.

It was 4:30am when I got back home.

Discrimination

2005-06-25T18:20:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of forms and a lot of kinds of discrimination that is happening in the world. Some are direct and some are indirect, but still the main point is, it’s still discrimination, excluding someone within a group, a society, or within an environment. And people are claiming that they want world peace and they want unity in life. That’s really bullshit! If they really want something, it is better to put it in action rather than in words, the funny part though, the ones that are promoting unity were the ones starting the discrimination.

Being a bisexual, gay or homosexual here in the Philippines is not that easy. Coming out here will mean a lifelong suffering and unending agonies. Here we used to live within the norms, the norms that were brought up by the church and by the people who are claiming themselves that they know about morality. God gives us life to make the best out of it, how will you be the best if everyone around you are criticizing you and pulling you down because of being a third sex?

YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE SOMEONE UNLESS YOU YOURSELF WENT THROUGH THE SAME PHASE THAT I WENT THROUGH. And don’t bring up about the bible and religion thing. I know that it’s debatable but not all written documents are true, it is all theories and all concepts. Bible is written in Latin, and it was translated into several languages and into several versions. And they are claiming that the bible that we actually read is the original thing. Translation to another language would mean that it will be dependent on what the interpreter interprets and how he will relay to the translated version. The actual things that are happening to us are the best lessons that we can learn. As long as I know that I do good thing, that I had faith in God, it’s all good.

I hope that people will start to open their eyes and their minds on the things that are happening around their surroundings. Learn to accept change and learn to accept the truth. It’s not worth living in a world full of lies and deceives. Truth hurts but it will set you free. You’re not alone, always remember that. There will always be a people that will accept you for who you are.

Get wet!

2005-06-24T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today is Manila and San Juan Day; usually people are prone to get wet since this is how they celebrate it. But what happen today was it rained too hard that it made me all wet. I went down the bus with a girl that I don’t know and rush in under my umbrella, and I saw my officemate that she also didn’t have an umbrella, so what I did was I pull her under my umbrella, I was trying to cover the 2 girls from getting wet and the consequence is me that was the one who got wet.

When I went home, that was the most depressing part. No one even seems to care about me getting wet. No one asked what happened. All they are doing was just watching TV and surfing the internet. And then, all I heard from them were complains like, my dad was complaining about my mom not caring enough to him, and then my mom was complaining about everything that she does, it seems for us it is always wrong. And before they were telling me that I’m sensitive enough?

What’s happening to them is the outcome of what they did on the past. I’m not blaming my mom because she had done almost everything to please my dad but my dad never appreciate anything, so tell me, is it that really bad that my mom doesn’t care that much now on my dad? And for my mom, if she didn’t let my dad used to pampering and didn’t let my dad to underestimate her, will she always be blaming for mistakes?

And the saddest thing is; all the blames and complains were all thrown out to me. Who will be my outlet? Is it who or what? I don’t know. That’s why even though how much I build myself up, it always trembles down because the foundation is too weak, since at home, I never ever felt secure, emotionally secure. They never knew how much I hurt; they never knew how much I suffer.

No one knows…

Long Distance Relationship

2005-06-23T21:59:00.000+08:00

You know, the reason why my ex and I broke up is because he is going to Canada, and he told me before that whenever his visa is approved, his priority will shift to another path which means, I will be the last priority or none at all. It was fate who really decided that we need to end it up.

I, myself, don’t believe in long distance relationship. With the childhood that I had been through, I need a physical being that I can hug on to whenever I feel down, I need a shoulder to cry on to when everything seems to fall apart, I need a person whom I can show my love, a person whom I can sleep beside with, letting me feel secure and warm. No matter how much I love him, I will fall to another guy or gal who will comes along the way.

Yes, you can say that I’m weak. I do admit it. But I guess that I’m courage enough to admit it. It hurts so bad when I found out that he’s leaving, but I’m thinking that it is for the better, even though not for me, but for him. Which will be painful? Now or later on that he’ll found out or I’ll found that he or me has another guy at my or his side. Am I right?

But I envy those people who had survived and still counting the years of their relationship. I wish that I can have that same relationship someday.

Pass It On...

2005-06-23T12:08:00.000+08:00

Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
Almost 50 titles and counting... (Original and not so original CDs)

The last film I bought:
Interesting… if I remember it correctly, I bought “Hush” (Japanese film), “I think I do”, “The broken heart’s club”, and a Chinese film.

The last film I watched:
“The Trip” and “I Think I Do”

Films that I watch a lot or mean a lot to me:
1. Queer as folks (from season 1 to 3) – It was such an eye opener for me on what is really going on with the gay community.
2. I think I do – It made me remember of me falling in love my best friend.
3. The Wedding Banquet – I wanted to have the same scenario on what happen to the film.
(Check out some site of the films I cited.)

Since I only have a short list of blog’ friends, I’m limiting it to 3 people:
I’m passing this to:
1. Euphonies in my solitude
2. Lucid Intervals
3. Wasteland Jay

Waiting

2005-06-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

Another day had passed by and still waiting for the right person to come and still don’t know what my fate will lead me. Waiting patiently until the right time comes. All I can ask right now is, “Is it already you?”

What a tiring day!!

2005-06-20T23:49:00.000+08:00

It’s Monday today and I’m already stress out. Somehow, it is true that using your mind a lot can drain your energy, take my case, I’m a programmer and I need to figure out ways to fix bugs and to create the user interfaces that were required for me to do. And also, thinking about my career path on the company that I’m working with right now.

I have this goal of mine that by the age of 30 to 35, I am already financially stable, meaning, I already should have businesses that I own; I should have a family of my own that I can call mine. I should have the luxury of traveling around the world with my family. How will I achieve it? Here’s how I set on how to achieve my goal, which I hope that I can fulfill in the near future, I’m getting older now, I’ll be turning 24 by December this year. I need to move fast.

Working here in the Philippines and saving money is really a challenging thing to do. With a small salary but working long hours, with expenses that are bigger than the actual salary you have, minus the taxes that will be deducted on it. So my first goal is, I need to learn as much experience as I can so that I can be globally competitive. Having a concrete experience especially on-the-job training skills can really boost your experience to a higher degree. I’m planning to apply jobs abroad, though I know there are some risks. I need to sacrifice and gamble a lot of things, but I know, towards the end, it will all be worth it. This will be the start. As soon as I save some money, I’m planning to take up my 2nd degree which is Culinary Arts. I’m interested on going in to the Food industry, which this will lead me in having a business.

But as of the moment, I am just taking one step each day at a time.

A Weekend to Remember

2005-06-19T12:23:00.000+08:00

June 17, 2005 – Friday
My friend, Angino, invited me to eat dinner with him. He also invited Mon to come too. We first went to KFC and there we waited for Mon to come. I ordered Go-go salad and Szechwan rice meal along with Mirinda soft drink. It’s not really the food that is cool, but having a friend to talk to over dinner is cool. Angino was telling me about his sexcapades (which is way too many to mention... hehehe) and his plans on what to do in the near future.

Then finally Mon arrived I think almost past 10, and KFC is already closing so we decided to go to Greenbelt 3 where there’s a park that we stroll around and looking for a “good” view. We talked a lot of stuff and share our different point of views regarding certain matters.

It was really a quite nice experience hanging out in the park, actually that was my first time doing that kind of stuff. They made me to stay late but I don’t usually go out much at night during week days.

June 18, 2005 – Saturday
So it got back home around 4am, and my Dad was already awake. Of course, there’s another session of interrogation of why I went home late and stuff. But that’s already usual thing, so it didn’t bother me much about it. Then, I went to sleep.

I went out with my mom later in the afternoon to buy some things that my dad told her to buy. Those things were quite heavy but still I manage to go home and still okay to go out again, this time, along with my friends and coaches. We went to “Anthology” in Roxas Boulevard Baywalk. It’s a restaurant beside the seashore where you can hear good music, good bands, and good jammers (of course, my friends also jammed on the band). Go go guys!

Then I went ahead of them because I need to meet another batch of my friends. They were already waiting for me in Malate. It’s a jam-packed weekend, it only happened once. And there in Malate, my ex also dropped by in the bar. I don’t know who will I accommodate that time, but I think I managed to accommodate them all.

Then I met this guy, Leo, he is a cute guy (he looks like a bit of Borgy Manotoc, but younger and slimmer version). We had good conversations and later on, we exchange numbers. (Before you guys react, he is already taken. He a got partner for 9 months now.)

The one thing that I noticed was there are many guys that are looking at me and smiling whenever our eyes cross. But I didn’t have a clue that they are calling it as flirting until a friend told me about it. Well am happy that me going to the gym paid off. Most of my friends told me that I got slimmer a little bit. (which is already okay with me, so now, I’m determined to often go to the gym.) Slowly, I’m picking up the pieces of my self esteem and try to bring it back the self esteem that I got before.

June 19, 2005 – Sunday
Just want to greet to all the fathers, dads out there!!!

“Happy Father’s day!!!”

Love is… Complicated??

2005-06-15T22:12:00.000+08:00

Meron akong kaibigan, may nakilala syang isang guy na sobrang mabait, maalalahanin at caring, kaya kahit papano, napapamahal narin sya ng kaibigan ko. Yung tanging problema ng friend ko is may 2 anak ung lalake at hiwalay sa asawa. Sa unang tingin, iisipin mong walang problema, kaso ito na ung problema. Habang lasing ung lalake, pinagkealam ng asawa ung celphone at ung masaklap pa, hindi binubura ng lalake ung text messages nila ng friend ko. At ito pa ung malala, kinuha nung babae ung cel number ng friend ko at sinusumbatan na nanininira ng pamilya.

Hindi naman sa kinakampihan ko ung friend ko, kaso nung nagkakilala sila nung guy ay hiwalay na sila. Hindi naman ung friend ung dahilan kung bakit nagkahiwalay sila. Ang Malabo pa dun sa babae, minumura pa ung kaibigan ko, parang walang pinag aralan.

Tinanong ako ng kaibigan ko na kung ako daw sa kalagayan nya, ano ung gagawin ko? Hihiwalayan ko ba ung lalake para mabuo ung pamilya nya? Ito ung sinagot ko, kapag hiniwalayan ko sya, sigurado bang makikipagbalikan sya sa asawa nya? Hindi rin natin alam ung pagkakataon, mapaglaro ang tadhana.

Basta sa akin, kung ano man ung decision mo, dapat mong panindigan ang lahat lahat. Wala ka dapat sisisihin kapag nagkamali ka ng decision. Sinabi ko rin pala sa kanya, na nandito lang ako para kanya, isang kaibigan na makikinig at susuporta sa kanya. J

Hay, kumplikado talaga ang pag-ibig ano?

Kailan Pa Ma'y Ikaw

2005-06-14T22:36:00.000+08:00

note: i really love this song...

[Intro:]Ang pag-ibig ko'y tanging ikaw lamang
Ang puso kong ito ay para lang sa 'yo
Magpakailan ma'y hindi magbabago
Magpahanggang wakas,
mananatili ka sa puso

[Chorus:]Laging ikaw ang nasa isip ko
Ang buhay ko ay para sa 'yo
Tanging ikaw lamang ang iibigin
Kahit sa oras ng pagtulog ko
Ikaw pa rin ang panaginip
At kahit na kailan pa ma'y ikaw pa rin

'Di ko iisipin na mayro'ng hanggan
Pagmamahalan nati'y ganyan
Kung uulitin man ang buhay ko
Tanging ikaw pa rin ang nanaising makapiling

[Chorus:]Laging ikaw ang nasa isip ko
Ang buhay ko ay para sa 'yo
Tanging ikaw lamang ang iibigin
Kahit sa oras ng pagtulog ko
Ikaw pa rin ang panaginip
At kahit na kailan pa ma'y ikaw pa rin

[Bridge:]Ikaw ang buhay ko at pangarap
Pag-ibig ko lahat ng sandali

[Chorus:]Laging ikaw ang nasa isip ko
Ang buhay ko ay para sa 'yo
Tanging ikaw lamang ang iibigin
Kahit sa oras ng pagtulog ko
Ikaw pa rin ang panaginip
At kahit na kailan pa ma'y ikaw

[Chorus:]Laging ikaw ang nasa isip ko
Ang buhay ko ay para sa 'yo
Tanging ikaw lamang ang iibigin
Kahit sa oras ng pagtulog ko
Ikaw pa rin ang panaginip
At kahit na kailan pa ma'y ikaw pa rin

Memories… and a Secret Revealed…

2005-06-13T23:02:00.000+08:00

This was a long weekend for me and it was a weekend that I will never forget. Many things had happened and it was kind of sad for me. Recently, I just found out that my partner (or my ex-partner now) was approved to Canada and already went to Canada yesterday (Sunday). It happened so quickly that I didn’t have the chance to react or even to kiss goodbye. Actually, we never said goodbye to each other, I guess it is hard for the both of us. I guess that I’m okay with the idea that he will be going to a distant place, but with a reason to give a good life to his family. Even though knowing that reason, even though I ended the relationship and just be good friends, it is still really hard for me to let go, because I love him.

My best friend, Ed, is now dating my other ex-partner and I never knew that it will be so damn hard to see both of them flirting. Even though that I don’t have any feelings for him, still it really makes me feel uncomfortable and really put me in an awkward situation. Now I know the rule why people tell their ex that they can find any person, but not the people that you know and especially with your best friend. I gave them my blessings and I hope that they will work it out. It may took a while for me to face both of them together, in due time, I think I can used to it.

All my memories during my college years also came back to my mind and I am missing my best friend, Joel. He’s one of the people I hated the most because I have had loved or still love him the most. He’s the one reason why I found out my real identity. Every thing was pretty normal until he came in to my life. I still can remember those days that I’m courting girls, but always reject me by saying that “we’re better off as friends.” That’s not the reason why I chose to be like this way, the reason was, I fell in love with my best friend. I never see it coming but it did. And I’m kind of tired hiding from the shadow of my past.

Yes, I’m a bisexual. Until when? Probably the answer will be “I don’t know too”. Will it stop? I guess if I found the right girl for me. Am I happy being like this? Yes, I am happy. I’m enjoying the best of both worlds. Will I be discriminated? Yes, but that’s the only way I will found out who are really my friends. Am I ready for criticism? Hmm…I had been ready with any criticism, but the only thing that I can tell them is that, they don’t have the right to tell me what is right or what is wrong, unless they also had been through with all the things that I been through. Does my family know about it? No, they don’t have any clue, or maybe they do but we never talk about it.

Independence Day Tribute

2005-06-12T04:24:00.000+08:00

Revised Panatang Makabayan

Iniibig ko ang Pilipinas,
aking lupang sinilangan,
tahanan ng aking lahi,
kinukupkop ako at tinutulungang
maging malakas, masipag at marangal.
Dahil mahal ko ang Pilipinas,
diringgin ko ang payo ng aking magulang,
susundin ko ang tuntunin ng paaralan,
tutuparin ko ang tungkulin
ng mamamayang makabayan:
naglilingkod, nag-aaral at nagdarasal
ng buong katapatan.
Iaalay ko ang aking buhay,
pangarap, pagsisikap sa bansang Pilipinas.

Lupang Hinirang
Official version used since 1956

Bayang magiliw
Perlas ng Silanganan,
Alab ng puso,
Sa dibdib mo'y buhay.

Lupang Hinirang,
Duyan ka ng magiting,
Sa manlulupig,
Di ka pasisiil.

Sa dagat at bundok,
Sa simoy at sa langit mong bughaw,
May dilag ang tula
At awit sa paglayang minamahal.
Ang kislap ng watawat mo'y
Tagumpay na nagniningning,
Ang bituin at araw niya
Kailan pa ma'y di magdidilim.
Lupa ng araw, ng luwalhati't pagsinta,
Buhay ay langit sa piling mo;
Aming ligaya, na pag may mang-aapi
Ang mamatay nang dahil sa iyo.

Great Party… Great Body…

2005-06-12T04:23:00.000+08:00

I am still very envious with those people having very good body curve and face value. Wishing I could have the same thing as they have. But I’m still happy seeing myself dancing in the middle of the good crowd, showing them that being chubby is not such a bad thing. I was dancing like crazy along with the sound of the music, grinding and shaking my waist down to my butt; I let the music move my body and good thing that my body follows the beat of the song.

I drink the vodka with cranberry flavor and Smirnoff. And somehow, that makes me more aggressive and never minding what other might think about me when I’m dancing. I admit, I am easily affected with what is going on with my environment, and that cause me to hold back on what I really want to do. Alcoholic drinks aren’t that bad as long as you drink moderately.

It’s fun that for these past few weeks, this is my first again to go out! And I have really a great time.

Next Best Thing

2005-06-11T00:25:00.000+08:00

Maybe people will call me stupid but I don’t know why I always choose to be the second best? I always said that I’m contented with what I can get even though not the whole and complete package, always believing that probably someday I can prove to them that I can be the best. But truth sucks this is not how our life works. I’m just pretending that everything is alright and pretending that it’s enough to have a little of love just like beggars that are yearning to have a few coins on their pocket.

Since my childhood, at any aspect of my life, there’s always somebody that is better than me, It’s either I got 2nd or 3rd honor at my academics. And still remember what my father told me about being 2nd place, that if I only follow the footsteps of my younger sister who had been 1st honor on their class, he would not scold or hit me. But somehow, my father realizes that it’s not always the academics that is important to the real world, I’m better with practical application of what I had learn at school not just merely memorizing terms and theories. I’m trying to have that memories fade away, but just the same at my other journals, there’s always a point in time that it’s all coming back to me. The pains and the tears repeat and it always breaks my heart.

When will I be the best? Probably, when my confidence will tell me that I’m the best among the rest, when all my doubt and all my pity will fade away, when I see myself that I can be the best that I can be, that’s the time that I can tell to everyone, “hey, it’s me, simply the best!” When is that? I don’t know too, but I know and I trust in God in the fate that was laid for me.

Lowest moment...

2005-06-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

I don't know but slowly, am beginning to be pissed off with the do's and don’ts. Yes, I know, everywhere we go, we all have certain rules to follow, certain act that needs to conform to the norms. Before, it was okay for me to be criticized by people, but right now, I’m easily get irritated with people. Possibly it’s because, first, as long as they didn’t went through the same shoe that I have, they don’t have the right to judge me. Second, the way it was said is misleading to the point even though that it is a good intention, it became a bad impression. Third, I’m not happy with what’s going on with my life now. Everything seems going to the other way around. I know it’s no one’s fault. But what can I do? I am just only a human. To err is human, right?

Am becoming too sensitive with my surroundings, and I know that. I’m trying to avoid this kind of behavior; I’m trying to pretend that everything is alright. I don’t know, but what I’m feeling right now, I’m living in a world full of lies, deceive, craps.

Theater singing session

2005-06-07T11:52:00.000+08:00

I just want to share a pic during a session in my Theater singing workshop. I sang "This is the moment" from the play Dr. Jekyll and Hyde.

The motive of the workshop is to sing the song with truth, with level, and with confidence. It was a great experience for me. I'm just waiting for the final schedule of the recording session.
Sir Rony, our trainor, came from Trumphet, assisted us to perform well and open up our mind on the real deal of Theater singing.

I admit... I look stupid at the picture... (even in personal.. ) But as performers always say... "Walang hiya hiya dapat ang isang performer, pakapalan ng mukha ang labanan. mas makapal ang mukha, sya ang panalo."

Choices

2005-06-06T15:32:00.000+08:00

Everyday in our lives we often given a lot of options to choose from and sometimes picking the right one is very hard because you don’t know what consequences await you if you make a certain choice. Fear of making the wrong choice is always the first factor why we hate to have many options. And the person left to blame is just merely your own self.

Like today, I really can’t decide on which career path will I choose. I already asked for guidance from colleagues, career counselor, HR rep, and friends on which path will I choose. But I realize that it boils down to one thing, the question is what do I really want?!

I am a programmer that wanted to expand my horizon on software development skills as well as administrative skills. I want to learn different platforms, packages in order for me to choose which software I want to be an expert of. It’s like collect all the knowledge that you can store in your brain, and then select which will be the best for your interest.

The point is I guess that, on whatever choices we make, we should not regret anything if we make a wrong decision. On the first place, it is us who make that choice not the person around you.

Alone

2005-06-05T11:51:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt before that you are left alone? Me, I do. During the recital yesterday, I saw all their parents and friends came to watch their children perform on stage. I was a little bit envious about it. And then, it came to a point at the show wherein they are calling the performer one by one with their Parent accompanying at the stage. The parents were very proud of their son/daughter on the achievement that their children had accomplished. It’s good that there’s one guy that who doesn’t want to let his parent comes, or else, I will be the only performer without any friends, without parent came to the recital.

I really feel pity for myself. Now I can really say that I’m alone. No matter how many friends you have, whenever you need them the most, they can’t be seen anywhere. I had been telling my friends that I have a recital this Saturday, but I guess that there are many things that are more important than me. It’s not that I’m being a dramatic freak here, but I think or I guess that you know the feeling of being left alone in the thin air. And then when you fall, you know that there will be no one catches you. Such a heartbreaking feeling that always makes me cries in my room.

A little excerpt of what happened yesterday:
Coach Jamby: Ei, Congratulations.
Coach JP: O Darwin, sino kasama mo?
Darwin: hmm... ah... eh... wala akong kasama eh.
Coach Cris: kahit kaibigan? O sige… kunwari si Coach LA nalang ung Nanay mo...
Coach LA: Si Darwin, naging estudyante ko yan pati ni Coach JP………

That scene always comes back to my head and that leads to remembering all the pains that I had been through in my life. It’s more than the physical pain when I was a kid; it is a wound that will leave a scar forever in my life.

Friend

2005-05-30T21:32:00.000+08:00

No man is an island. That’s the reality. No one in the right mind will ever survive living in a world alone. We all need a person whom we can hold on to whenever we are feeling low and someone who will lift us up whenever we feel our world starts to tremble down. We all need a person whom we call a Friend.

I do have a lot of friends, but somehow I still feel alone and cast out from the world. Maybe it’s also me why I feel that way. Being idealistic, I always think that a friend should know what I am feeling even though I didn’t say anything about it. It’s like that there’s a guts feeling that “hey! I think I have a feeling that you have a problem.” In some way, I already been traumatized on opening my emotions to other people, because there was a time that I was embarrassed by a friend of mine to a lot of people, telling me that I react too much, that it’s no big deal. And most of my friend will just tell me that “Asus, Darwin, ikaw pa! kaya mo yan!”, but did they ever think about it? “Kaya ko nga sinasabi sa inyo dahil hindi ko na kaya! Kailangan ko kayo!” but I always tend to keep my mouth shut and not telling them what I really feel. As I had said earlier, if they are my friends, they should have found that out earlier.

Well, everyone have their own preference on choosing ones friend. I welcome everyone to come in to my life that’s why I do have my Blog. In some way, I have an outlet to spur out all of the things running inside my head, and in some way, I’m letting everyone knows a little thing about me.

Am just being honest here, I’m still looking for that kind of friend.

Nag-iisang Ikaw

2005-05-28T00:23:00.000+08:00

ni Awin Tsong

I. Lumipas ang panahon
Humilom ang mga sugat
Ngunit ang puso ko
Isinisigaw na ikaw pa rin ang tanging mahal

II. Hindi mawari ang sakit
nang ikaw ay lumisan
pilit mang iwaglit
ngunit alaala ng kahapon ay bumabalik

Chorus:
Nasaan na ang pangako
na tayo'y di magkakalayo
bakit mo ako iniwan
nang hindi man lang nagpaalam
kaya heto puso ko'y nakagapos sa nakaraan
hanggang ngayon ay mahal parin, Nag-iisang ikaw

III. Sa bawat Umaga
umaasa na ikaw ay magbabalik
ngunit hanggang panaginip nalang
na ikaw ay nasa aking bisig

IV. Init ng iyong halik
init ng ating pag-ibig
pilit mang iwaglit
ngunit damdamin ng kahapon ay bumabalik

Repeat Chorus

What If

2005-05-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

By Awin Tsong

Often wondering what if
you never existed in my life
will it makes any difference
or merely remains the same?

Often wondering what if
I really didn't loved you that much
will this feeling subside slowly
or living my life with lies

Chorus:
Pretending you love me
is all its gonna be
pretending nothing happened
will always turn out fine
i thought pretending would worked til end
but i guess we just only meant to be friends.

Often wondering what if
I did let you go right from the start
will there be no heartaches or pain
or just keep driving me insane?

Repeat Chorus

Dreams

2005-05-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a singer. But sad to say, I never got the chance to enhance my singing, since my parent told me that it was just a waste of money and time. Instead, what I did was, I joined in my high school glee club, and somehow trained to be a good choir singer. And I did. But everything comes to an end when I graduated high school. Another phase of my life, I need to face to, another challenge that will test my strength in surviving at this competitive and crazy world of ours.

I never did forget my dreams to be a singer, and always hope that someday, that I can say that I am really a singer, a good singer. Though my family doesn’t support me that much on my singing, still I manage to boost up my confidence and trusting that I’m doing good at my chosen craft. I’ll prove them all wrong, to show them that I can achieve my dreams.

Right now, I enrolled myself at Center for Pop Music. One of the music school here in the Philippines. And luckily, I did learn a few techniques and styles of Pop Singing. Also, I joined in my company’s community activity which is Theater Singing, wherein the coach was from Trumpet, one of the famous centres for Theater singing and acting. It wasn’t planned to be this way, but I’m thankful to God that He’s giving me this wonderful opportunities to expand my horizon of being a singer.

I’m not yet a good singer, I’m not there yet, but I’m working really hard for it. Not only to be good, nor better, but to become the best among the rest.

Believe! And have faith! Dreams really do come true!

Real Meaning of Beauty

2005-05-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

What is the real meaning of beauty??? Does it really depend on the eyes of the beholder? What are the criteria to become beautiful? All of these questions, endlessly popping up on my mind whenever I saw actor/actresses/models walking around the gym or the mall. I can’t help but to wonder why people nowadays are too critic about how the way a person looks like.

I hate to admit but I’m also one of them, I believe that there is no one who doesn’t look at the physical attribute first, but I’m different from them through not criticizing them to the point where you step their ego and destroying their confidence.

I’m not good looking, I’m not the macho type of a guy, and in fact, I’m chubby. And I’m trying really hard to boost up my confidence level where in I go to the gym everyday and trying to avoid eating too much food. But you know, there was one time that I came into realization that being fat is not that bad after all.

Why? Excluding the health factor, that is the time when I really know that a person really loves me for who I am not on what I have or what I look. You can really see the truth on the person’s eye whenever saying “I Love You”. Such a wonderful feeling, isn’t it?

But that’s such idealistic way of thinking, and I need to deal the reality, we need to deal with reality. For me, beauty doesn’t depend on the eyes of the beholder. Beauty depends on the person himself/herself believing that they are really beautiful inside and out.

Moving on

2005-05-24T00:19:00.000+08:00

Every heart aches that I had, made me a stronger person. It’s a little bit weird though, but it really made me to be a better person. Each time I cry, I reflect on things that had happened and analyze what or where went wrong. Was it really my fault? Was I not good enough to be their partner? Answers seem hard to find, but questions were answered in times of my sorrow and misery. During my lowest point of my life, that’s the time that I knew more about myself.

I had been into different relationships, and none of them so far worked out for a long time. I can say that I’m a stupid person when dealing with love. I’m always playing the part wherein I’m the third person, or they just used me to ease up the pain of their break-up then later on got back together and eventually leaving me into thin air. I never hated them; I never wished that they will suffer the pain that I had felt. I always blame myself why didn’t I know that right from the start. Probably I already knew about it, but I’m pretending to be a blind and trying to be idealistic about perfect relationship.

Amazingly that I can cope up with myself, living each day as normal as possibly can. Trying to hide all the agonies from other, and make them believe that everything is ok. Moving on each day without turning back is all I can do.

Reminiscing the past

2005-05-22T22:59:00.000+08:00

I think this will be the last time that I will reminisce back the pain of my childhood. Who of you guys have not scolded by your parents? I guess, we all been through that. On my case, everyday of my life during my younger years, even I committed a mistake or not, whenever my dad sees me or I bumped into my dad, he hit me with the things within his reach. Imagine a bamboo stick broke as he was hitting me again and again. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t cry. I always felt that I had never been loved by anyone. No one had ever comforted me that not to be afraid, that everything will be alright. I never experienced any hugs from my parent since I was a child, I never felt secure, I mean emotionally secure ever. I never show to anyone that I’m not that strong type of a person. And no one ever notice about it.

I never felt love and I don’t know how to give love, am too afraid to show my emotions, because I know, towards the end, it will always be rejections, failures, and loser. I never had been confident about myself. Why? I still remember the first time that I courted someone, and later found out that she’s already have someone special in her life and never told me about it until I confronted her. I admit that it is my fault, I should have not let her go, but what can I do, I need to feel love, in order for me to give love, the appropriate love to someone.

Then came along my best friend, I never knew that I will be falling in love for the first time, but it’s a wrong person to fall in love with. That’s the time that I found out about my real self. My real self, one of the deepest darkest secret, will soon be revealed. I try to get out of that love but falling in and out to the wrong person again and again and again.

Enough of this sentiments, I believe that I will find my own happy ending. When? I still don’t know, but all I can do now is to wait and believe.